Hey guys. I know i haven’t been writing for a while. I’ve been keeping myself busy, making another effort for my self-recovery attempt.

Yes, i’m in recovery.

After lots of recovery attempt and relapse, i’m still trying for another self-recovery  attempt. So yeah, i’ve started eating and this time, my recovery attempt has started to work. I really hope i could share this moment with someone. To tell the person that every time i eat, i don’t actually feel the guilt anymore. I don’t count calories anymore. Hmm, what else? Oh, although i still feel the urge to purge, i’m able to hold the feeling and not purge. Just so you know, since the time i purged blood, i’ve only purged once.

But i still step on the scale every day. I still feel the longing to go to the gym daily. I still feel that i’m worthless and hopeless. But my improvement that i’m proud the most is, i don’t feel so fat anymore. Isn’t that great?

Urgh, my mother has been a negative influence of my recovery. She still make fun of my big bum, call me fat, tell me that i am not a good girl. Anyone got this kind of mother?

Okay, so.. The main reason why i even bother to upload a photo of mine on here is because i’m tired of using thinspiration photo as my icon. Also, to those girls who thinks being an anorexic is glamorous and fun, think again. Just look at me.

Do i look happy? For your information, i looked so much different when i was a normal girl. So much happier. So much healthier. Please. If you haven’t got any eating disorder, don’t encourage people to starve. This illness can kill.

Okay guys. Gonna upload a photo of me. Before i actually upload it, just so you know, i looked a bit pale in the picture. So yeah, you don’t need to send stupid messages saying that i’m ugly or even fat. It’s not worth it.

I already think i’m ugly, fat, stupid and worthless.

Sorry guys, i know i haven’t been writing lately. Just so you know, for the past couple of days, i’ve tried really hard to recover from this eating disorder. And no, i didn’t tell anyone about it, i just thought maybe this self-recovery would work. So i ate normally for the past few days and i didn’t go to the gym. Urgh, you can’t imagine how guilty i felt.

But tonight, i got a bad news. I don’t know if i could call this as relapse, but i’ll start ABC Diet tomorrow. By this way, i won’t really feel guilty if i eat more than 100 calories a day. I need to lose another 10 kilo, at the least.

Also, my mum accidentally made a joke about my how fat i am. When she saw my reaction, she quickly said “Sorry, i was just joking. Don’t take it seriously”. But then, i just laughed to hold my tears. THANKS A LOT, MUM. You called me fat during my recovery. ‘That really helped’. It’s so easy for you to make a joke about how fat i am. Well mum, you know what?

I have an eating disorder, that’s a joke. I starve for days, that’s a joke. I hate myself, that’s a joke. My self-esteem is gone, that’s a joke. Because of your so-called joke, i relapse.

Don’t worry, mum. This is all JOKES.

Haven’t eaten for the past 15 hours. Gonna hit the gym.

Byebye.

Didn’t eat anything for breakfast. Ate some cereal with milk for lunch and went to the gym. Burned 500 calories there. Then, this is how the story started..

When i arrived home from the gym, i felt so tired yet happy. During dinner, i sit together with my family. Seeing they eat, it gave me pleasure. My mother asked, “you’re not eating?”. I replied, “no, i don’t think so”. But then, she forced me to eat something, “go make a toast!”

What she doesn’t know is that i can only starve or binge. I’ve tried to eat normally, but it usually ended up with a binge that comes together with guilt afterwards. So, i made a toast, spread some peanut butter on it.

I ate it.

Then, i looked for some other food. I ate and ate and ate until i felt uncomfortably full. I can’t even list out the food that i binge on. It happened too fast and i ate too much of food. I felt like crying. I grabbed a slice of bread and made another toast. I looked at my mother and i said to her “why??”.

Inside me, i screamed “why can’t i just eat normally??!!”

Grandma : i think you’re eating too much.

Me : i know. i don’t know what to do.

Mother : you see, you’re eating all these fattening food. you’re not gonna lose weight.

Grandma : she’s true. you ate the most among us.

(whole family laughed)

Me : i’m already fat. it makes no difference.

Mother : no you’re not.

Me : yes i am. (started to shed tears, hold it)

They tried to convince me that i’m not fat. But how can every time i look at the mirror, the only thing i see is an unattractive fat girl? That’s what made me cried.

I almost cried in front of my mum, grandmother and sister when we were having dinner. 

Okay, i can’t write this anymore. Gonna continue writing this tomorrow. I can’t. I’m gonna cry if i continue. Bye guys xx

This morning, i wrote on a post that i was going to get some yogurt for breakfast, cereal for lunch and nothing for dinner. Then there’s this girl, i don’t know why she did this but she wrote..

” she eats more than i do “

I don’t know how to explain my feelings at the moment i read her comment. Sad. Anger. Disappoint. I cried. This really breaks me. It hurts me.

To the girl who wrote that, i don’t know what you want, but you don’t know what i’ve been through ever since i got this ED. I know, you don’t think that i’m anorexic. That’s because i’m too fat to be one. I get that. I know that. Please, i already hate myself. My self-esteem is already gone. Don’t make this go even worse.

Even though those are just words, you don’t know how this could affect my life. I don’t think i could allow myself to eat anything anymore from now on.

To those people who follow me just to read my post and then make fun of this fat pig or even write some comments that could actually hurt me, please unfollow me.

Hm. I got too much to write about.

First off, i did another recovery attempt this morning. Yes, i had some yogurt, but then..when i think again..i must fight this eating disorder. Anorexia doesn’t make me happy.

Because of Anorexia, my relationship with food is fucked up. Because of Anorexia, i’m not a sociable person as i was anymore. Because of Anorexia, i fucking hate every inch of my body. 

So after i had the yogurt, i ate some crackers. Then i ate some fried rice, muffins, another crackers and toast. Without knowing, it turned out to be a binge. An unexpected one. Urgh. I hate this feeling. The urge to starve, again. I ate even more before dinner. Another crackers and some junk food.

Oh god, why can’t i just eat normally?

Even though, i did go to the gym today and burned 500 calories, i don’t think that’s enough. I am never enough. Worthless.

It’s morning at my place now. Gonna grab some yogurt for breakfast. Perhaps some cereal for lunch later and nothing for dinner.

Gotta speed up my metabolism. Bye guys xxo